DISCLAIMER: Do not read this post if you cannot appreciate the art of sarcasm.
For all bartenders out there, here are a few things you could most probably relate to. When you’re spending nights behind the bar (like me), particularly when it’s busy, these may be a few things that you’re thinking…
1. When you walk behind the bar on a busy night.
The stares. I can’t bare the stares.
2. When you ask a regular how they are and they ignore you.
Sorry, silly question, never mind.
3. When a customer starts snapping, shouting or waving money whilst you’re obviously serving somebody else.
I will ignore you.
4. When a customer finally gets your attention and then doesn’t know what they want.
This is usually followed by them shouting across the building to find out what everybody wants.
5. When a customer orders one drink at a time.
They’ve finally worked out their order, but they’re still a bit unsure. So they’ll order each drink one at a time so that they have time to think. Thank you for keeping me fit running up and down the bar.
6. When a customer says, “I’m just gonna take these to the table…” and then has a chat with the entire table before coming back to pay.
It’s ok, I’ll wait, and give the other waiting customers a smile and a shoulder shrug. I think they’ll appreciate that.
7. When the customer does come back to pay, you give them the price, and then they say in a ‘surprised’ high-pitched voice, “How much?”
You heard me.
8. When you hold out your hand and the customer puts the money on the bar.
I’m sorry my hand isn’t good enough for you. But next time could you avoid emptying your wallet in the small puddle of beer, and then asking me to work out how much of the wet money you owe me. Thank you.
9. When a customer mentally changes their order, without telling you, after you’ve made the drinks, then acts like you’re the twat.
“Erm that’s not what I ordered.” And then asks everybody else at the bar to back them up…because the customer is always right.
10. When you get 2 minutes to look in the mirror and sort your sweaty self out.
In places that I didn’t think could sweat.
11. When a customer asks for your opinion on the most obscure wines/ales.
But they believed it.
12. When customers argue or get a bit too ‘cosy’ at the bar.
It’s ok, I’ll just pretend I’m not here.
13. When a customer says, “Cheer up love.”
This is usually followed by, “It might never happen.”
14. When a customer can’t hold the amount of alcohol they’ve ordered.
We all like to go for it with the alcohol intake every now and then. But please, if you’re gonna chunder, use the toilets. Or your bag. Or your shoes. Anything apart from the tables and the floor. If you do decided to use the tables or the floor, then please don’t just leave it. One of us has to clean that shit up.
15. When a customer orders coffees, cocktails and a Guinness.
Fine. But if customers start getting impatient and angry, then I will blame you.
16. When a (drunk) customer accuses you of not putting alcohol in their drink. And then insists you taste it.
Ahaha, good one.
17. When you ask, “Who’s next?” and the customer at the back of the queue puts their hand up.
This is a personal favourite of mine. It’s usually followed by this when you decide to serve somebody at the front of the queue…
18. When customers feel the need to rip up rubbish and leave the scraps on the floor.
I look forward to cleaning your mess up at 1am.
19. When you see somebody you used to know walk into the bar.
You run away in hope that your colleague will take one for the team and serve them.
20. When a customer debates closing time.
“Sorry we’ve stopped serving.”
(No I was joking) “Yes.”
“So we can’t get another drink?”
(Well done) “No.”
“Come on, just one drink.”
21. When your boss asks if you wanna leave early.
But of course, it’s not ALL bad.
If any of you related to this and found it somewhat amusing, then click here to check out my original song ‘Barmaid Blues’ and get to know my tales pub.
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